The Season 2009 - Chapter Four

I couldn't help myself. I just sat there with one or two tears running down my cheeks, head tossed back and looking up to the sky. In the back of a dingy auditorium at Grace College, listening to the words of Denison Witmer's new song pass over me, thinking about my team...

"Carry the weight of your brother
Carry the weight of your sister
I'm not afraid to say I don't know...

I'm not afraid to say I don't know what to do...

Carry the weight of each other
Carry the weight of another
I'm not afraid to say I don't know..."

The weight of the season was simply too much for me, and I needed relief. And a singer/songwriter from Pennsylvania, playing an acoustic guitar in front of 30 college kids, and my wife and I, he hit the feeling right on the head.

The Warsaw match had happened, disastrously. Half of the JV was sick, so we got blitzed at the JV level. Their coach was upset that we didn't bring more players, because we had planned to, but literally seven people were sick. The varsity didn't fair much better, as several positions played scared, Ben got close again but couldn't pull off the big win, we had a cursing meltdown right in front of their coach. After the match I was angry, embarrassed, and nervous about how to confront the problems. If there was uncertainty beneath the surface before, spewed in front of us now.

And then, Tuesday, I got word right before practice that I needed to come talk with Jim Buller. Literally, as practice was starting, I found out that we would be without our #3 varsity player for the rest of the season, including Sectional. It was a blow to the gut, and not just in tennis terms. I love our players, I care about them as people, and I knew this would be difficult for him. I can't tell you how many nights I sat with my head in my hands, not knowing what to do, trying to figure out how to talk to the team, to my players, to my friends. I took all of that anger, embarrassment, nervousness, disappointment and buried it deep in me. I took up a fake confident attitude with the team, but I could sense the deflation in them as well. I took all these things and carried them close to my heart, hoping to do what was best for everyone.

Which is why the words of the song hit me so hard. I was carrying a heavy weight with this tennis team. And I couldn't help but feeling that some of the problems were my fault. Often, I stress relationships as being the key to a season, but this year I had tried to convince the team that on-court success was within their reach if they wanted it enough. Had I overemphasized that to the detriment of what is really important in a season, the memories and the relationships?

Probably. I wanted success so bad. Just like an early post on this site said, I have craved affirmation for years. And the best way to be affirmed is to win. Honestly, at times I looked at the 2009 season and thought that if this team succeeded I would be named coach of the year in the district! I mean, we graduated 8 seniors from a Sectional championship team, how could we repeat unless the coach was awesome? And I lost focus of what makes meaning. And I lost my focus on God.

Things that seemed to be building momentum; my church, my tennis team, my classroom teaching, all the sudden seemed to be a heavy weight on my shoulders. Not the joy they were when they began. So I cried.

Several years ago, I wrote a devotional about what happens when we cry. It contemplates Judges 2-4, where the Israelites cry out to God from their misery. They cry out 3 times between the 2 chapters. And do you know what happens each time? God answers them. God is one who will answer us when we cry out.

So I cried, and God answered.

(continued tomorrow)